Thought Process. (and run-on sentences)
Life takes its toll on moments of uncertainty. Forcing words to creep back down throats of self reflection. You see, we're all just trying to find ourselves and love ourselves and trust ourselves long enough to learn something. You see, we're all just trying to voice our depth without feeding our insecurities. You see, we're all just trying to find our truth, without living dishonestly. Life takes its toll on moments of questioning. Forcing closed door upon open door as a means of enlightening our thought process. Where do we go from here? As if a broken record spewed such lyrics each and every day. Where do I go from here? What do I want now? How do I feel right now? How am I growing? How am I stagnating? Who am I becoming? And, which part of my me, am I leaving behind? I turned 30 yesterday. Spent the majority of the day, crying. Sobbing out energy I had taught myself to cling to, to be to, to avoid feeling to in order to keep going. I woke up, looked around, heard my phone beeping with love notes, hands over face, deep breath, cleansing begins. And, it was oddly therapeutic. As if I were crying out every last scar I had been holding on to as I quickly became overwhelmed with this intense feeling of suffocation. Who am I becoming? Where am I? Where do I go from here? Am I happy? Am I truly, deeply, happy? As I looked around at my family, celebrating my milestone of a day, I felt so loved yet so alone. So alone in the means of feeling, on my own. If this makes any sense. I no longer have the, "I'm 20 something and still learning" facade to cling on to. The excuses fade into pretty pictures of yesterdays met with stronger backbone to face your personal experience, with. And, don't get me wrong I know we are learning until our last breath but, something about this birthday, felt different. I felt, afraid and excited, all in one sitting. There are no prettier adjectives to describe it.
Life takes its toll on moments of uncertainty. The universe provides us with crossroads and obstacles from a loving place. We are growing. We are learning. We are molding into this perfect soul with every breath, step, thought, word, lesson we experience. And, as I grow anxious at times for thinking of my life up to this point, I have also learned to shut off the obsessive compulsive questioning long enough to hear answers and to appreciate my growth up-to this moment. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am nowhere near perfect and nowhere near "done" on my personal path toward enlightenment, but I am genuine, I am loving, I am honest, I am humble, and I hope to one day become wise enough to understand my existence. Funny part? The older I grow the less I feel I know. Breathe deep, find your center.