dear diary

I come off as this rather emotional being.. an intense individual.  Some people take in this energy as inspiration and positivity.. an "addictive presence" i've been told.. while others may take it as flighty, whip lashing your environment, causing frustration.. & others may choose to steer clear to avoid the pretense.. i do not understand why i am the way i am or why i'm not what i'm not for that matter.. but a few things i do understand about myself is that i, live breathe and cry passion.  i grow aggitated at the thought of stagnation and yes, some may call me impatient or others may point fingers at my heart telling me i will never settle down, [i've even heard i'll end up alone..] but i can not, nor do i want to.. change this about me.  it is what makes me, me.  i love the relaxation of being.. but please do not confuse this for being lazy, unmotivated, flighty or ok with 'being'.. [make sense?] because that does not describe the me i see each & every day, by any means.  I find beauty in the quirks that make a person, you.. your individuality is enthralling.  I grow addicted to personalities to the point of craving your presence around me,for nothing more than to breathe a common oxygen and mark fingerprints in our history.. i am a very spiritual being and although this side of me is not seen by many, I pray to the heavens on a constant level.. i merely choose to keep this relationship a tad more sacred.  I do not throw my perspective down others throats, but you'll never see me back down from my beliefs, some have witnessed this in its extremity, but i won't act as if i am the only answer.. thats plain ignorance.  i do not agree with justifying.  I find it ridiculous how so many people are fighting to keep their lives or lead a positive one, whilst witnessing so many destroy theirs, willingly.  Living their lives for another being, judging their happiness on a circumstance, breathing because it becomes nothing more than a habit; it makes me sick.  I'm not saying I am guilty free of these attributes, and i HATE this about me.  I accept my faults all the while recylcing a conversation to the point of beating it thin, [its merely my way of coping..] i build energy to the point of picking up that thin line of self love and hate and snapping it, snapping out of it.. and moving on.  But I will never take advantage of the love I have been blessed with.

i crave love.   i completely, infinitely.. crave love.  i need it.  i need to know i am an important factor in someones life.. that their life would be less bright if i were not a part of it, because this is how i categorize my relationships in my life.. a necessity, not an accessory.  But as i have witnessed first hand, this is not always on the top of others agendas.  WHICH i am slowly learning to be ok with.  i have learned to grow and cope with the reality that i will be let down more than once in this lifetime, as i am sure i've let others down.. unintentionally... it is all a part of growing older, perfecting ourselves as human beings for the day to come when we are no longer needed on dry land and can pass forward.  i fall in love easy, but do not confuse this for the love between a man and woman, only.. i fall in love with people on the daily.. because this is our true purpose.. to love, and as heart breaking as it may be at times, i am addicted to it.  a soulful hug, a mindful connection.. paying attention.

i pay attention. i wish more people would pay attention.. its a beautiful world we live in.

i just felt like getting some nonsense out.. its not meant to be poetic, its just thoughts.. im sharing a little more of me on the personal level i guess.. directing myself on a path of positivity and movement, energy..

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