i cannot fix an outer presence

i merely write of sadness.. constant battles within myself.. avoiding the light, avoiding the dark, avoiding truth.  what is truth these days?  do any of us know anymore?  so far gone from a past life i hardly witness a once comforting shadow cascading memories upon my, now blank canvas awaiting my chipped toe nail polish. i speak in code on a constant, not so any of you may know what i am saying but so i may not witness it once it has protruded through my lips.. stealing the moment.  my mind vomits voices and obsessively dreams of helpless victim upon helpless victim crying for help as i stare at them in fear, gut wrenching awe, doubtful of even i.  there is more to this life then this.  there is more to this life then this, i am sure of it..  i have seperated myself so far from myself in a means of coping, a new me, outter layers shedding.. opening new eyes, filtering that of hurt into an inwardly beautiful reflection.. at times i wish i were deaf & blind so i would never have been forced to remember those noises, or the pain, the snaps of breakage, the sadistic voices and mental breakdown of a heartbroken confusion.  i am stronger than this, even if i time and time again, doubt these words.  this is no longer about a weak moment, this is no longer about any of us, this is no longer about anything in particular but this moment.. the moment i momentarily welcomed a deep breathe in between my polluted desperate lungs, a bittersweet sigh of relief.. i allow emotion to override and neglect me, abuse me, missuse and mind fuck me on a constant battle between my thoughts, within myself.  i have not woken, i am not 'fixed', i am not new and i still, in a sense yearn for those captured moments of innocence.. but i cannot live in the past, i cannot live in the future.. all i have is this.  lying eyes wide, in between a lowly lit room, staring at the ceiling, punishing myself with thoughts of not you or you, but me. momentary weakness, bruised knees of plea and a slowly blackening heart.. the only way i may motivate is to completely breakdown, tear apart, crush and grind, fixate upon my self doubts & inner demons attempting an advocated throne, mold myself into a form of my past, present & future self with newly lit eyes.. and cry.. free myself entirely from any sense of being and speak only of myself.. for all i have is myself.. i am on a path to a better me.

if you want to change lives, you must start with one, your own.