a sewing machine created thoughts.
it sucks when you go through a moment of silence with a best friend. as if a relationship came to an end yet everything else remained constant. people do crazy things when hurt, anger is such an easier emotion to manipulate than hurt. at times i want to scream, other times i want to cry & now i am slowly craving a smile.. a laugh.. a moving on type of romance within myself. i do not know if this is the end of us, no one knows.. i do not know if this is a pause for us, no one knows. yet, i have closure for the moment. the one thing i hate about the internet is its such an easy cop out. back in the day if shit went down you were forced to speak in person.. face to face to read each emotion and listen to the sincerity or the insincerity and do what was necessary. you can't feel emotion through lowercases and capitals, misspelled words and rapid grammar. you skip the soul to soul conversation, a trial by jury sort of confrontation. how did we come to a place so cold? so manipulated by each and every bystander? opinion after opinion and even when the situation grew tired and matters remained frozen, each and every thing reminded me and still reminds me, of you. my best friend turned stranger.
yet, i have closure for the moment.
maybe we were meant for a season, a reason, a purpose. maybe this is meant for a season, a reason a purpose. who knows, i am not God. the cards may not lie but they are merely advice for the course you are headed.. and i know i change my mind on the constant as i am sure you do when forced to concentrate on the moment. maybe you do not care as my mind screams on repeat... yet gut spews otherwise.. intuition is all fucked up and my blood shot eyes avoid sleep. i have dreamt of you and obsessed over you to the point of insanity. i can't do it anymore. i feel as if i am on this one sided love affair with a friend, fighting for a memory with a "too short, too cheap, too weak" hand. i can't fight for the both of us... i just can't.
& yet, i still love you with all of my being. words spoken, mere bullshit. actions witnessed and paths taken, mere bullshit. you are better than this, i am better than this, WE are better than this. we were meant for such perfection... but maybe standards were too high? maybe we held our love for friendship on a pedastel of such an extremity even we could not touch it, who knows. maybe i did. maybe i was blind through all of this. who knows. what i do know is i know nothing anymore. if we never speak again, it will hurt my core but i will be ok as i know you will be. we will continue our lives as we did before we had met yet with knowledge to add to our pallete of life and proceed forward, making a new path and effecting new lives.. maybe we are meant to reach outside of our comfort level and be; just be. Lord knows i have met quite a few amazing personalities this past week and would i have done as such if we were still...here? who knows. what i do know, again... is i know nothing.
i miss you. i love you. but you hurt me as i am sure i hurt you. i hate you as i am sure you hate me. i do not want to see you as i am sure you do not want to see me.... ever again? who knows, what i do know... is
i know nothing.
& no matter what is said or what is felt or what you feel or what cards are dealt, you were my best friend and i would never hurt you... ever again, but i need to do me now.
"once upon a time" [mixed] "happily ever after" [turned] "until we meet again" [spun] "i will remember you forever"
my bestfriend... neverhurtyou... ever...thee end.