january

i lie awake. visualizing faces. awkward places. new scenarios. places to be and numbers to cross off of my eternal list of shit to put off until tomorrow. promises never kept. emotions never met. secrets never spoken. hearts broken. and, bruised, confused, misused. throwing up emotion, bulimic rampage. if i ate vocabulary for breakfast i'd be malnourished. avoiding letters on the back of milk cartons, repetitive like. tarot predicting futures of whose mind i'll fuck with next or whose body i'll save for a late night snack. engulfing each curve, every fantasy of mine.. too introverted extorting force to manipulate shadows of insecurity forced upon, a memory.. its all been in my near future for some time now. these memories. pain, frustration, confusion, dirty. thoughts of dirt and grime. doing time and doing time. handcuffed heart, shivering legs, quivering lips, anxiety. if i could run, i'd flee. free myself from this world, rid my eyes of your site, continue forward. but i am frozen. still. frozen. still. i am frozen. so i remain a calm surface. let you in just enough. flashbacks, fingerprints, bruises and blood. no one knows, not even i. one foot forward met two steps back. i am living my life rhetorically, reincarnate me a mystery and remember my face for all of eternity. as i will yours. running running gone.

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