open wounds

i want to box you up and advance when intrigued.. no moment too soon to feel something worth frequenting from time to time.. another victim, another life.. love as a thought of past gone antics built up within my mind.. a child.. all i've ever wanted was a permanent hand to hold, to fixate on.. to feel secure.. yet time and time again i find myself manipulating emotions, holding out a strong hand not needing a fix.. choosing to drown myself in materalistic schemes, career or education or another best friend to call home.. when will the day i ignore the walls and peep through the cracks, never looking back and never looking back.. introduce itself?  hurt from not one but everyone.. each and every time i attempted to open up not only was i left to solely wipe tears burned deep but expected to strengthen my weak trembling knees and move forward, gracefully, with pride.. as if my pride hadn't been hurt but strengthened.. "what does not kill you" fucking hurts. i'm sick of doing this alone and yes i may be yong but i'm still a wise heart yearning for more than back and forth mind tricks.. find myself talking shit on others "disadvantages" as i say.. weak minded if you choose to pray about it.. i need to recollect myself and dissapear.  reconnect with myself and reappear.  make myself noticably invisible.. invincible? .. invisible.  maybe then you'll hear the in between adjectives of.. what my heart has been speaking.  lost in translation but i boycott the search.  all i want is to ignore these thoughts, box them up like a childhood memory and forget everything you've done to not only my heart but my mind.  i've lost it this time.  the strength, the discipline, the ability to talk myself out of falling. i've lost.

i've lost..i've lost.. i've lost.. i'm not ready to feel this, because i'm not ready to know if you're not ready to know i'm feeling this.  weak heart, strong mind, weak mind, strong pride & pride runs deep within my kind.  loving someone, never.  i'll wind up the old hag that never got hurt yet never took the chance to.  loving everyone simply for the fact that i know i have them where i want them.  never losing focus.  sometimes i wish i were an addict so i could dissapear into my own world and focus on nothing but not focusing on anything remotely close to  reality.  a pisces mind i call home.  dreams of... losing.. losing my train of thought that is.  no one knows what takes place inside this mind yet most of the time i feel an empty full.  distracted, easily distracted.  off beat.  off cue.  running late to life two minutes too fast, i need to pause and rethink, evaluate and leave.  if i disappear its because you had me too deep.

i fell for a moment, do i stay weak and naive or continue forward strong and untouched.  addicted to love .. i think im addicted to love, lust, love, lust.. a runny pulsating vein addicted to not love, but the intriguing thought of.

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