i distance myself & imanipulate myself all to protect myself from 'you'. for the 'you' i speak of ever so effervescently has the power to make my knees, weak cascading downward as i fall to the floor, unwillingly cowardly like, surrendered. bleeding internally through too many emotions caught off guard and combusting outward i forget how to feel at times but it feels right for the time being. please save me from this greedy process. collect my insecurities and trust issue vulgarities cursing love like i've got somethin' to prove simply because when i chose to love 'you' or chose to love 'you' or choose to love 'you'. i forget about me. too tired to fall back to my knees frequently on repeat. no one to wipe my tears or kiss my bruised shins from opening my heart & loving a new man for the first time & the first time & the first.. time; alone. yet never alone. erratic behavior introduced blind frustration holding hands to feel the magnetic fusion meant to be meant for someone meant to make me feel meaningful beautiful equal balanced.     opening eyes for the first time     out of focus     i've been going through life with a blind fold     to avoid the pretense of     heartbroken manifestations this     modern day "hero" of a man     has now come to be known as     weak     ass. poor excuse for a barricaded mind so i locked up my heart and ran away, never allowing myself to cry tears shan't be shed for that catch phrase you sell to uneducated little girls weak minded yet shyly aware clinging to your each.. and every.. breathe.. like you shit glitter. stinky glitter foul ass glitter that got caught in my eyes for my momentary lapse of judgment b l i n d e d . i have tread deeper waters making it easier to flee than give you the power to make me weak in the knees. and even if i may have issues running deep within my center of being, i have my core of self worth not bringing down my standards because your lazy self will not stand up to be a man, so be a man, man! just not my man  .     i'm holding out for that     gut churning     toe curling     shivers down my spine     constant, warming butterfly effect.     & if we never meet,     at least i will have met myself     full heartedly.

loving myself before loving, another.

  • dedicated to : a self narrative journey.
  • written : 11 June, 2009  Thursday
  • inspiration :   pollyn - still love